Becoming a first time mom in a global pandemic has been challenging in so many areas. Its been 2 years and I'm just now starting to come to terms with this. I've written about it before because this was just the season I was experiencing in my life. But, for me, it's taken some time to actually process what this meant and how its affected me.
Becoming a mom is already one of the scariest things you will do. With all the uncertainty behind birthing, feeding, sleep, development, etc., So much of this time is spent worrying, stressing, feeling guilt and overwhelm. But then add in a Global Pandemic to it.
And I'm not talking babies made in quarantine, no. My husband and I were just getting our lives started when the pandemic hit. We had just gotten engaged in August of 2019. We found out we were pregnant in October of 2019 so we decided to plan a rushed wedding and tie the knot before I even started showing. By December we were married and ready to start the next chapter of our lives.
So as you can imagine, we didn't really get to experience the honeymoon stages. By the time I announced the pregnancy, we had heard reports about Covid spreading and I started becoming more concerned about going into work and just being out in general. Then the lockdown hit in March. Most of my pregnancy was spent alone with Daniel and I have to say this was probably one of the best times of my life. We both were forced to take time off work and he was so present for my pregnancy and the birth. I didn't realize how truly rare this was and how lucky my experience was, in a lot of ways.
But I also faced so many complications with my pregnancy, birth, and postpartum that I never even talked about because of shame and guilt. My pregnancy was very difficult. The first trimester was spent dehydrated in bed with fevers and extreme sickness. I didn't just experience morning sickness, it lasted all day long in the first trimester. I struggled with my body dysmorphia the entire pregnancy. I didn't feel beautiful like some women say, I felt foreign in my own body. When it got closer to birth, I developed a hormonal growth in my mouth. The night I was discharged from the hospital it burst open and I pooled out cups of blood all night long. Literally, no one has ever told me anything like this! Why?! Apparently it's common to have hormonal growths and teeth decaying issues from the calcium deficiency. So forget about breastfeeding my baby, I didn't even have an option with my mouth pouring out blood - my mom ran to the store and started giving my baby formula that night. I really had no choice. And going forward, I couldn't get the help I needed from lactation consultants because I was fear mongered into believing that I would get covid from anyone who stepped foot in my house. So, I enrolled in a lactation consultant course because I thought I could learn it all on my own. I look back now, going WTF is wrong with me? Why do I think I can do everything on my own? *reminds myself that I've been forced to do everything on my own as a trauma response*
Then the transition to parent hood post pandemic. It's been hard to say the least. I feel like I'm constantly struggling to find connection. My friends have slowly fallen off or just moved on with their lives. And your relationship, forget about it, it suffers too. Our baby is now the boss around here and she has to sleep in between us. We're lucky to get a night off every once in a while. After long work days, we're both exhausted and just trying to keep ourselves, this baby and two dogs, alive.
All while trying to maintain a tidy home & a successful side business.
So, to say I'm tired and struggling to find connection is an understatement. I've joined a group in my church and even started accepting god into my life. I'm doing my best to reach out to my loved ones and nurture those relationships. And as I try to build this online presence and business I just have to ask - when does it get easier? Asking for a friend or someone who can relate.
Sincerely,
a very tired post pandemic mama <3
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